The ultimate decision in life is choosing a life partner.
What if we focused more on becoming the ideal partner that we want to attract?
Would we find happiness?
Jackson Brown Jr said that the decision of whom to marry can define 90% of your happiness or misery. This profound statement encapsulates the gravity of choosing a life partner. It’s not just about romantic compatibility; it’s a choice that influences your habits, lifestyle, health, financial status, and overall peace of mind. Interestingly, we spend years learning various skills, but rarely are we taught what constitutes a healthy relationship or how to be an exceptional partner.
The Reality of Marriage Equality
Brené Brown, a renowned author known for books like “Dare To Lead” and “Atlas of the Heart,” offers a refreshing perspective on marital dynamics. In an appearance on the Tim Ferriss Show, Brown tackled a common marriage myth: the belief that a marital relationship should always be a 50/50 split in terms of effort and contribution. Contrary to this popular belief, Brown argues that a marriage is hardly ever split equally.
Instead, Brown suggests a more realistic approach to understanding and managing the energy each partner brings to the relationship. She proposes a unique “check-in” system where partners share their energy levels on a scale of 100.
This method acknowledges that not every day is the same, and partners will have varying levels of energy, patience, and kindness to contribute.
The Method
- Self-Reflection: Before reuniting at the end of the day, take a moment for introspection. Assess your energy and mental state honestly. Can you contribute 100% to your relationship today, or are you at a lower capacity?
- Open Communication: Next, ask your partner to share their energy level. For instance, if Brené had a particularly challenging day and is at 10%, her partner might compensate by covering the remaining 90%, taking on more tasks or providing emotional support.
- Joint Strategy for Low-Energy Days: It’s normal for both partners to feel below 50% at times. The key is to develop a “plan of kindness” to recharge and avoid unintentional harm or neglect.
Why This Works
This method encourages three crucial aspects:
- Self-awareness: Recognizing your own emotional and physical state.
- Clear Communication: Openly sharing your current state with your partner.
- Empathy: Maintaining understanding and compassion, regardless of the energy level.
Brown’s approach is not about keeping a tally but striving towards understanding and support within the relationship.
Embracing Self-Awareness
Esteemed therapist Esther Perel also echoes a similar sentiment. The quest for perfection in partnership is less important than fostering self-awareness and compassion. This perspective shifts the focus from an unrealistic ideal to a more attainable goal of mutual understanding and support.
Conclusion: A Lifelong Journey
The dialogue between Brené Brown and Tim Ferriss, exploring themes like striving vs. self-acceptance and saving marriages, underscores the continuous journey of learning and growth in relationships. By understanding that marriage is not always a balanced equation but a fluctuating partnership, couples can create a more harmonious and empathetic bond. This insight, along with the wisdom shared by thought leaders like Perel, offers a roadmap to nurturing a fulfilling and healthy relationship.
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